Do horrible comments affect your confidence in the long-term?

I said I'd started a blog and write regularly, but I've already slipped up. Truth be told, I have felt a bit negative. Writing does make me feel better, but tiredness and lack of motivation stops that.

So what have I been doing? I've not done a lot truth be told. Since last posting, I have had a few trips to Southampton, started volunteering and learning more about stress. Lately, I have felt very contemplative (not sure if that is the right word to use)...I have been looking back on my confidence and self-esteem and thought how this can completely change because of certain people.

I remember being about 9/10. I had moved a few years previously from living in Manchester (Boothstown if you wish me to be exact), and I remember still feeling like I didn't fit in. The friends I had were great, but I never felt like I fitted in with them; it was like they were always better than me. They had big screened televisions, sky (while I had maybe digital at best - probably the 5 channels at that time). I didn't care but for some reason being friends with them I sometimes did. That being said, that is not the point I wish to make, as usual I am babbling.

The point that I wish to make is bullying is horrible; it is one of the lowest things that a child or even adult can to do. Physical and mental abuse. It doesn't matter which can shape a person. Although I was too young to remember being bullied, and therefore have not let it affect me... I have heard about when I was 5, a girl tried to twist my arm behind my back to break it, but being double-jointed that didn't happen. I remember my mum going to school and getting frustrated with the teacher for lack of understanding. However I don't remember any incident. Lucky, I guess. That being said, some people aren't that blessed.

Even though I have no memories of being bullied,  I do know on a number of occasions I have allowed people to knock my confidence and self-esteem. I could say how horrible people are, or that they were just mean people, but that wouldn't be true to me. Everyone has their reasons. I don't agree with them, and what they do is not about me. I would say the same to anyone. 

Coming back to being 9/10, I remember one of my "friends" speaking unkindly behind my back. She called me an "ugly, thick bitch". It was awful. One of the other friends told me. It hurt and still to this day, it hurts to have either description used on me or anyone really. I never felt beautiful after that moment, and although I can happily say I have beautiful days where I look in the mirror, and think, "Wow, you look good today!", I know those can sometimes be rare. I have seen girls sharing 5 pictures where they felt beautiful on Facebook. In that spirit, here are five I wish to share:

Why do I feel beautiful in these?

1. This is obviously my graduation picture, and it is one of those days where all my makeup went well. Love how the blusher went on, my skin looked flawless and it's one of a handful of times wearing eyelash extensions and loving how my eyes pop!

2. I just love my hair in this picture, and it reminds me of spending time with two of my best friends on my 22nd birthday. This might be the only one I have of when I dyed my hair pink too. 

3. This is a picture from the last time I got my hair done. I'm useless at curling my hair, and love it like this!

4. This is actually very recent, and again I love my hair colour, and my makeup looks flawless. 

5. This is the oldest picture of them all. It was taken maybe 5 years ago (when my dog was still technically a puppy at 2 years old). I just love how happy I look with my baby.

My confidence has increased a lot since then. It increased when I fell in love and was told I was beautiful. Although I don't recommend basing your self-worth on anyone, I think you should surround yourself with family and friends who make you feel like a good person. I still have bad days though. During stressful times, my skin can break out. It did recently in fact. From these periods, it has left scarring that I find hard to cover with foundation. One guy I fancied when I was 18 even went as far as telling me it looked "disgusting". I know it does to me, but never thought anyone else would say or think that. Sometimes I hear those words back when I do my makeup in the morning. 

What I've learnt recently is...it doesn't hurt when someone says something hurtful. Well, not all the time. It hurts when they say something hurtful about something you already hate about yourself. For example, in primary school I remember another "friend" saying that I had hairs on the top of my nose like the hobbit. She said something like: "You know how in the Hobbit, they have hair on their feet, you have it on your nose!" She was just laughing about it, and to be honest I hadn't really looked there and it still doesn't bother me. However it hurts when I've been specifically called ugly or disgusting for things I'm self conscious about like my skin. I feel this must be the same for women who feel overweight, hate their nose, their lips, you name it!

Going back to that comment, "ugly, thick bitch"... at the time I didn't focus on the ugly part. I focused on the "thick". In primary school, I hated it. I felt stupid. Having dyspraxia (which affects co-ordination; making your handwriting messy and struggling in sports), it meant I often needed to attend special classes to help with my handwriting. We used to be divided into small groups - top (the clever ones), average ("normal") and below average (those struggling a bit like me). No matter how hard I tried, I always seemed to be below average. However the day that this girl said this, I got  a really good grade in English for writing a creative story. I feel that sometimes I want to prove that I'm not "thick". 

It's probably why I pushed myself when doing my GCSEs, why I wanted to go to university and why I try my best even in jobs I have hated. 

Has something someone has said to you stuck in your mind? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

In my bag

I've been watching a lot of vloggers and reading blogs recently. I've started to love the likes of Zoella, Pointless Blog, Thatcher Joe, Tanya Burr, Marcus Butler and Sprinkle of Glitter. I know it is quite a list, but suppose I might have too much time on my hands. In some of the women's blogs, I noticed they described what is in their bags, and thought I'd include what you typically find in mine! Here goes:

1. My purse - even though there's mostly coins, I couldn't be without it for anywhere I need to go
2. Sunglasses - now that I live in the Isle of Wight, it is usually always bright. Previously I'd always have a brolly for "just in case".
3. Book - I try to always pack some sort of book, but mostly read when on transport links like buses, trains or just before bed. Currently reading The People V. O.J. Simpson: The Run of his Life by Jeffrey Tobbin.
4. Passport - I try to keep it in a bag as I always know where it is then.
5. Tissue - At this time of the year I try to be prepared for when hayfever strikes.
6. Receipts - I always seem to keep things from going to Boots, vouchers or whatever.
7. Makeup - Although I will always pack mascara, eyeliners and foundation when I go out, I almost never reapply makeup. I can't be bothered.
8. Rubbish - There is always something that shouldn't be there. This time there is a contract signed with a recruitment agency. Other bags have things like my report from a failed driving test, packs of gum or painkillers. Always something unessential. Even with a small bag I will stuff rubbish in somehow!

Hope you liked this, and feel free to show me yours!

Old Diaries - 2009, Part 2

I decided to look further over my souveirs box, and look over my diary. From this, I can't believe what a silly 16-year-old I was. Some entries are just too funny not to share. If you like my blog, you might have already read embarrassing diary entries from a few weeks ago here.

So here goes...

2nd March 2009

"Finally, I had media. After P.E., I felt so icky and hated being around Aidan and Kelsey, but only because I thought I felt that I smelt of B.O. I kept thinking about it - I think I was paranoid. They didn't seem to notice, but they may have thought it! How annoying is that? I was proud in Media though because I found out that I was like 2 marks off an overall mark of a B."

Some of this makes little sense, but I can't deny how funny it is. To me at least.

4th March 2009

"Lessons went well. Media was funny - it always is with Kelsey and Aidan combined. Aidan prodded me in the eye (accidentally) and it managed to send me in hysterics - it hurt at the same time as making me unable to stop laughing. I had no attention in science because I really can't be bothered. Finished bouncing ball coursework though."

This doesn't make sense in parts either, but...bouncing ball coursework? WHAT?

3rd April 2009

"Today I used my debit card for the first time. It was a great experience. I know it's just a card, but it made me feel more grown-up. It made me feel more independent and like I'm handling my money in my own way. I like that. The way my parents give me money to get what I like seems shameful. I want to stand on my own two feet and be able to do things by myself. It would be nice to have a job and pay for the things I need - without them  doing so."

6th April 2009

"I've been trying to read Lord of the Flies, so I can finish it by the end of the week. I don't think I will though. I'm a very slow reader, but I am determined. When you're determined you can do anything!"

Wow! 

8th April 2009

"I can't stop thinking about the dream I had last night: I had moved house and lived in a countryside. There was a sea not far, where a killer whale lived. Black and white print. It was a danger that mentioned when I met our neighbours (it was all very close-knit in that department). The problem was a whale bit me and I had scarring all around my mouth. It was horrendous, but I learnt to be happy with myself. I learnt to accept my imperfections and I know it wasn't real, but I can't help thinking: 'Why can't I stop caring about what others think? Why can't I accept myself ? Warts and all!'"

My dreams aren't any less weirder. I've dreamt about a street of people in different jeans and not able to see their faces. I've dreamt of giving birth to a labrador; I think that was weirdest.

24th April 2009

"Girls Aloud was amazing tonight...It felt so surreal in my fresh experimental environment. I was up high and it seemed so scary at first. Girls Aloud did so much  - dancing, singing and spectacular stunts. It was a long enough wait. The support acts weren't too bad. They did need to ditch the crap dance routines though. Some of the routines frightened me senseless...I bought a programme and laminate necklace for souveirs. I'm proper thrilled at the thought of putting it into my scrapbook, so I remember for life."

My first ever concert and it was a great experience. I'm kind of embarrassed to have loved Girls Aloud.

23rd May 2009

"I stayed up to watch the film version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It wasn't too good; mainly due to the fact that it was old and created in the year I was born. It had Hilary Swank in before she was famous and others that I didn't recognise."

I find this so funny since some of my favourite films are old including Breakfast at Tiffany's.

2nd June 2009

"The heat is suffocating. I'm too hot with even a t-shirt and can't wait to get home, so I can strip off my clothes to be frank"

I can guarantee it wasn't as hot as living on the island, where the fan is almost always on. Even when it rains it is kinda hot and often sweating from doing very little!

26th June 2009

"I started the day by waking up to no parents. I ate 2 bowls of cereal to discover that they had gone plant shopping. Mum and Dad expected me to get dead excited about plants. Why? Mum knows I have no interest in gardening, don't care and why ask?"

I didn't know I could be so self-absorbed. I still love my two bowls of cereal but try to save one so I can have it for my supper instead.

15th August 2009

The rest of my entries seem to be written in bullet points, which is harder to find the funny stuff, so my final post isn't as funny, but I thought I'd include this post anyway:

• Woke up at 10ish
• Glad to get my cartoon that I bought. Cheered me up [Ronnie from Porridge]
• Got showered
• Enjoyed Penny [my dog was a puppy]
• Penny had her first walk in a place called...[no idea why I didn't complete this]
• Tried a deep fried mars bar. I was pleasantly surprised
• Enjoyed 3 Only Fools and Horses, French & Saunders best bits and 2 Criminal Minds. I hope I haven't missed anything
• Hope to get called by Gino's soon for details of starting work [forgot about working there - horrendous]
• Penny has started chewing on the coffee table
• Dad got us a lovely new rug in the lounge
• Not long before results where I'm excited to know, but then I have no findng out the results [waiting for GCSE results, where my best marks included 3As, 2Bs and 3Cs. Not bad]
• Penny cried at around midnight
• Wrote a bit towards the letter I hope to send to Roseanna until the pen ran out that is [after moving to Aberdeen, me and my best friend, Roseanna at the time decided to keep in touch with occasional letters as well as the usual Facebook, email and text.]

Hope you liked this. Has anyone else got any embarrassing and funny diary entries to share?

Old diary entries - 2009

I was looking over old diary entries, and find them so funny. Just for a laugh I thought I'd share extracts of the funniest ones. I have to say glad my writing has improved as couldn't understand some of what was said...

5th January 2009
"I knew my eyes looked fab because I paid enough attention, but since developing so many spots, I'm very self-conscious...I noticed after being late and checking a mirror that I applied over-the-top amount of foundation. I looked orange. Jodie was not impressed."

Not much of this entry makes sense, and I was never good with grammar. This was when I liked referring to myself in third person too!

19th January 2009
"In P.E., we chatted, revised (Roseanna educated me; she's a good teacher because now I feel a little more prepared for media) and laughed. Beth was funny. She reminded me of the time she fell out with Josh after he killed bob-osaurus. He ripped off his head and never forgave Josh completely. The funniest is she is deadly serious and because of it, she never gave him the drawing of Josh-osaurus for him. On the back of it, it says something like "I was going to give this out of kindness until you killed Bob! I have missed Beth. There's not anyone who can make me laugh so hard."

Beth was a great friend, who I lost touch with after moving. She used to draw dinosaurs. She drew me a jodie-saurus for my birthday that year which I loved.

25th January 2009
"Today was ace; Roseanna came round and we had so much fun. I tried poptarts. The first two were crap, but after trying the next ones they were yummy. Another wonderful american food! I also love oreos and actually haven't had them in a while. I miss them. Enough about food: me and Roseanna did a lot of good stuff.

We went on msn, myspace and watched Gilmore Girls (she even took  my boxset - I hope she loves it too). We also went out - saw the peaceful river, danced around (well I did - she just laughed), drank pop, she got hyper at one stage (as usual) and even choked on...bru, visited morrisons, where I got vogue and pop tarts (I had to try them)."

Roseanna was my best friend through most of primary school and all through secondary school. We used to hang out a lot. I've not had pop tarts since then, but still love oreos!

26th January 2009
"I want crutches. Emma wore some. I tried them out, but people laughed. They said I looked funny because I couldn't walk in them. I've decided I'm falling down the stairs tonight! Mum won't push me, so it's my only option. I want crutches."

No idea what was going through my dumb head when I wrote this!

30th January 2009
"Roseanna text me. She apparently got her english mocks. It sounded like she did well. Of course she wasn't happy. I'm glad I wasn't there. It would be scary to see my paper or know how I did. I don't want to know. Rather die. Well maybe not, but really don't want to know. I can basically guess. I did proper crap."

I don't know why I was dramatic. I put it down to being ill and off school that day, and obviously feeling sorry for myself.

3rd February 2009
"Today was my last day off. Still snowing, so I took advantage by ticking another ambition off; run barefoot in the snow - for something so cold, it was so fun."

2009 was when I started to write a bucket list, and added some silly stuff as well as the obvious travel, career and obvious aspirations. Don't know why I added this to my list though! No wonder I had a cough and cold if I did stupid things like this...

4th February 2009
"Today I thought it would be better at school. It seems that I forgot how shit school was. It started with science - the worst; it felt like a day had passed by the time was over. So dull. I felt bad for Roseanna; I couldn't help, but complain though. Science is my idea of hell and especially this lesson. It was so boring - copying off the board and answering questions. Shit. It's normally shit and I didn't think it could have got worse."

I really hated science. I had to do double science at school, which meant doing it every day. Nothing they did in science would interest me. Even experiments bored me!

14th February 2009
"Today was actually kind of fantastic. It was valentine's day, but it wasn't shit (honest). We (mme and parents) went to Stockton, and it was great - I got Of Mice & Men, Gilmore Girls Series 2, grey cardy, sweets, irn bru, and was also allowed to see some fab shops (H&M, River Island, New Look, WHSmith and HMV). I kind of felt sorry for Dad though; he didn't go in any shops he liked, but he was amazingly patient. I think Mum and I were lucky in that instance...

We came back and watched six nations - Wales Vs England and Wales won. I'm surprised Dad didn't cry. He said they did well though. At least he's positive."

Always fun having a parent shout at the TV when rugby is on!

24th February 2009
"Pancake day - I love them. Even when I've had a bad day. It's something that can easily put a smile on my face. This year I ate 6 pancakes (3 lemon and sugar, and then 3 golden syrup). Yum! Today wasn't bad, but I just can't wait for tomorrow - the last day of school for the week and before I head on my wonderful travels to Aberdeen. I just can't wait for the joyous occasion. Excitement is overwhelming."

Some of my entries are funny as I try to write like I'm an author instead of how I might be feeling. Who says "I just can't wait for the joyous occasion?" Me, I guess! Still love Shove Tuesday.

25th February 2009
"Dad became furious, when I accidentally sat on some chocolate buttons and they smeared on the seats. I'm sure his face was a blasting red. Now I think about it, it was funny, but at the time it was scary. I warned him and he was still angry. He had said it couldn't be too bad and was reassured."

I needed to travel down to Aberdeen for my college interview, so that Wednesday involved a lot of driving. I still remember the chocolate buttons incident - hilarious!

I could bore you with more, but I'm not going to. If you like it, let me know and I can write more entries in another post. Hope you found them as funny as me! I tried to not include too many dull entries (as each day of the year was filled and I wrote on A4 pages. Surprised I had that much to about much to talk about). It was difficult time for friendships due to plans to move from a small town in Yorkshire to Aberdeen in the summer.

Favourite memes and pictures of the week

I'm always liking funny pictures on facebook; it always cheers me up. To spread a bit of joy and laughter, here are a few for you.

1. An example of how a caption can make it a little bit funnier.


2. With the popularity of Pokemon Go, I found it really funny.

I only wanted to feed the ducks!

3. Got to love a good cat meme...


4. Because I'm often assumed to be pregnant when I put on weight...

5. Maybe I find this funny because I could imagine one of my dogs doing this...

6. Me - 9/10 times I wash my hair!


7. I hope when I have a child, she/he is as funny as this!


8. My attitude to being healthy!

Hopefully I can get into the swing of healthy eating and exercise eventually.

9. Best excuse for not meeting someone!

Sorry I can't come out tonight, I have plans.

10. Strangely accurate to any argument

11. Mostly accurate except I think I'd drink any wine I had

12. How observant are you?

Took me ten seconds longer than I thought to see this wasn't all beard.

13. Too funny!


14. The struggle at the gym!


15. Wow! No words for this one.


In conclusion, I like a lot of animal things. This doesn't include anyone's personal posts or I would include that a 4th close friend got engaged this week. This means that of my closest and dearest I have 4 engaged friends and 1 married. I feel old! Or I'd include a throwback to me graduating two years today I believe.

Anyway, I hope these made you laugh or smile as much as they did me.