Thursday 15 September 2016

Do horrible comments affect your confidence in the long-term?

I said I'd started a blog and write regularly, but I've already slipped up. Truth be told, I have felt a bit negative. Writing does make me feel better, but tiredness and lack of motivation stops that.

So what have I been doing? I've not done a lot truth be told. Since last posting, I have had a few trips to Southampton, started volunteering and learning more about stress. Lately, I have felt very contemplative (not sure if that is the right word to use)...I have been looking back on my confidence and self-esteem and thought how this can completely change because of certain people.

I remember being about 9/10. I had moved a few years previously from living in Manchester (Boothstown if you wish me to be exact), and I remember still feeling like I didn't fit in. The friends I had were great, but I never felt like I fitted in with them; it was like they were always better than me. They had big screened televisions, sky (while I had maybe digital at best - probably the 5 channels at that time). I didn't care but for some reason being friends with them I sometimes did. That being said, that is not the point I wish to make, as usual I am babbling.

The point that I wish to make is bullying is horrible; it is one of the lowest things that a child or even adult can to do. Physical and mental abuse. It doesn't matter which can shape a person. Although I was too young to remember being bullied, and therefore have not let it affect me... I have heard about when I was 5, a girl tried to twist my arm behind my back to break it, but being double-jointed that didn't happen. I remember my mum going to school and getting frustrated with the teacher for lack of understanding. However I don't remember any incident. Lucky, I guess. That being said, some people aren't that blessed.

Even though I have no memories of being bullied,  I do know on a number of occasions I have allowed people to knock my confidence and self-esteem. I could say how horrible people are, or that they were just mean people, but that wouldn't be true to me. Everyone has their reasons. I don't agree with them, and what they do is not about me. I would say the same to anyone. 

Coming back to being 9/10, I remember one of my "friends" speaking unkindly behind my back. She called me an "ugly, thick bitch". It was awful. One of the other friends told me. It hurt and still to this day, it hurts to have either description used on me or anyone really. I never felt beautiful after that moment, and although I can happily say I have beautiful days where I look in the mirror, and think, "Wow, you look good today!", I know those can sometimes be rare. I have seen girls sharing 5 pictures where they felt beautiful on Facebook. In that spirit, here are five I wish to share:



























Why do I feel beautiful in these?
1. This is obviously my graduation picture, and it is one of those days where all my makeup went well. Love how the blusher went on, my skin looked flawless and it's one of a handful of times wearing eyelash extensions and loving how my eyes pop!
2. I just love my hair in this picture, and it reminds me of spending time with two of my best friends on my 22nd birthday. This might be the only one I have of when I dyed my hair pink too. 
3. This is a picture from the last time I got my hair done. I'm useless at curling my hair, and love it like this!
4. This is actually very recent, and again I love my hair colour, and my makeup looks flawless. 
5. This is the oldest picture of them all. It was taken maybe 5 years ago (when my dog was still technically a puppy at 2 years old). I just love how happy I look with my baby.

My confidence has increased a lot since then. It increased when I fell in love and was told I was beautiful. Although I don't recommend basing your self-worth on anyone, I think you should surround yourself with family and friends who make you feel like a good person. I still have bad days though. During stressful times, my skin can break out. It did recently in fact. From these periods, it has left scarring that I find hard to cover with foundation. One guy I fancied when I was 18 even went as far as telling me it looked "disgusting". I know it does to me, but never thought anyone else would say or think that. Sometimes I hear those words back when I do my makeup in the morning. 

What I've learnt recently is...it doesn't hurt when someone says something hurtful. Well, not all the time. It hurts when they say something hurtful about something you already hate about yourself. For example, in primary school I remember another "friend" saying that I had hairs on the top of my nose like the hobbit. She said something like: "You know how in the Hobbit, they have hair on their feet, you have it on your nose!" She was just laughing about it, and to be honest I hadn't really looked there and it still doesn't bother me. However it hurts when I've been specifically called ugly or disgusting for things I'm self conscious about like my skin. I feel this must be the same for women who feel overweight, hate their nose, their lips, you name it!

Going back to that comment, "ugly, thick bitch"... at the time I didn't focus on the ugly part. I focused on the "thick". In primary school, I hated it. I felt stupid. Having dyspraxia (which affects co-ordination; making your handwriting messy and struggling in sports), it meant I often needed to attend special classes to help with my handwriting. We used to be divided into small groups - top (the clever ones), average ("normal") and below average (those struggling a bit like me). No matter how hard I tried, I always seemed to be below average. However the day that this girl said this, I got  a really good grade in English for writing a creative story. I feel that sometimes I want to prove that I'm not "thick". 

It's probably why I pushed myself when doing my GCSEs, why I wanted to go to university and why I try my best even in jobs I have hated. 

Has something someone has said to you stuck in your mind? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

32 comments:

  1. As a blogger of nearly nine years take it from me: People will type and say nasty things, and you can't stop that, all you can control is how you react - and I've come to learn that sometimes the best response is none at all!

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    1. Yeah you need to remain positive, and sometimes I think negative comments can give you the motivation to work harder!

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  2. some do but I am learning not to allow myself to be affected by these things. I enjoyed your post. My x used to call me a bulldog and sometimes it still bothers me to this day. I am not! He was just a loser.

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    1. I've learnt that people who say things as nastily as your ex are the truly insecure. I don't get the mentality to make others feel worse. A few years ago, I learnt about the concept to "love-on", so rather than work to get people to love you, try to make them love themselves.

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  3. Some comments do stick but I have to try hard not to let it affect me especially as I have been bullied in the past!

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    1. Good on you! Don't let the bastards grind you down is one of my favourite quotes, and that comes to mind!

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  4. Oh where do I start! I have learnt to let go and move on, but boy is it difficult. Kaz x

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    1. I find I dwell more on a bad day, where memories of awful things come back to me. It might be typical human nature to reflect and try to belittle your own good qualities.

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  5. Words can hurt and some comments are easy to forget. People should learn that and be nicer to each other.

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    1. I definitely agree - I've being hearing about a love-on concept, where instead of working to make people like you, you work to make people like themselves, seeing the good in people is important to me.

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  6. Some comments do hurt but I try my best to ignore them and carry on.

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    1. Very true! It's the best mentality to have.

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  7. It's all about focusing on those that inspire you and encourage you!

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    1. You're definitely right on that one. At the age of 23, I'm still learning to cut out those people who bring you down. It's hard when you need to accept that some negative people are not worth your time despite knowing them for so long and having many good memories together!

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  8. I have learnt that no matter how old you are, inconsiderate and rude people's comments can still affect you as if you were back in school. I deal with this by letting go of toxic people in my life ;-)

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    1. It is true. I can confidentally say that I have people in my life that I'm glad to.

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  9. I'm sorry she said that! I try to remember that when people say mean things to me or about me, it's more of a reflection of themselves than of me. A person has to feel pretty insecure to make comments about others.

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  10. Some comments can hurt and even though I'm well out of school you can still find mean girls. I just try and rise above it and ignore them x

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  11. People have given me nasty comments and while at the time it can really get you down, it's really important to stay happy and push the negativity away (easier said than done)

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    1. That is true advice. You can't dwell on it

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  12. My god that is awful, you are beautiful and this so -called friend is not a friend but someone who is clearly jealous of you. Negative comments can get you down but think of all the lovely comments you get xx

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    1. Luckily that friend is long gone and surrounded by people who care and wouldn't say this. Sometimes it can affect you, but mostly got to forget. Thank you for your kind comment xx

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  13. People who say things like this aren't friends and don't deserve your time or love. You are a beautiful person inside and out and don't let anyone tell you anything different x

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    1. Awww thank you for your sweet comment! That is very true and luckily i'm no longer around people like this x

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  14. What a horrible "friend", It still baffles me how horrid people can be. If you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all! xo

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    1. Indeed :) always believed that. Lucky we are no longer friends x

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  15. My mummy wasn't really teased at school but her sister was and ended up with an eating disorder and skipping school. People can be so cruel and comments can really affect peoples lives :(

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    1. Yeah it's horrible but can sometimes make you stronger as you know the issues you can get yourself through x

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  16. Ive had some awful comments in the past and at times theyve knocked my confidence but mostly I just feel really sorry for the people writing them. Sat behind a computer hating when I'm out enjoying my life! xxx

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